If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Home is where your toilet is.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
bugs when you lift up a rock
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now