Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
scares
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry