[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.