WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
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Childbirth is so beautiful
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now