Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
December birthdays be like…
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one