Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.