If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
You Might Also Like
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.