thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
also my go-to takeaway order
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying