Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
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Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Oh no
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.