I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me