me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.