My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I’m good, thanks.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]