My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You Might Also Like
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Cndnsd Mlk
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady