Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
You Might Also Like
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.