What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself