People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings