Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch