Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
this is me
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”