*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
why no one uses midhusbands
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.