Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”