[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
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Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
This trial is so absurd 😭
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
fired
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.