“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep