This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards