Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
So that’s what we looked like?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
scares
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.