[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”