My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
You Might Also Like
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them