A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
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Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.