Brother?
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Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
the three branches of government
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.