[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”