Guy who likes music
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van