[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
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[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.