look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.