Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
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need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY