Checkmate, Flat Earthers
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
#TopTip
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.