Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
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Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?