*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
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13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
You can’t outrun your problems…
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping