I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%