Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.