*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
School be like
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
50 shades of grey = my Liver
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.