Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service