College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
that de-escalated quickly
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I’ll be mad as hell!
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’