When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
💁🏻♂️
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.