I just love that new Pope smell.
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Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.