10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
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Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
When libraries troll their patrons.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Ummm
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
#titanic