I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!