“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.