Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
You Might Also Like
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.