God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father