[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
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Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.