fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
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all that yoga finally paid off
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Ron is short for Aaronald
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”